Feb. 9, 2023

Have Better Relationships & Bring Lasting Love into Your Life with Bela Gandhi

Bela Gandhi, a relationship expert with a 0% divorce rate, is talking to me about how to attract the right people into your life and find true, long-lasting love

This week we're talking about how to bring the right people into your life. Love exists for everyone, no matter who you are and what you want. It may look different for you than it does for me, but the dating and relationship techniques we talk about in this episode will help you find the love of your life, rekindle your current flame, and build better, stronger relationships with your spouse, your family, and your friends. We’re leveling up our relationships, y’all!


In this episode:

How to find love

Why finding love can warp our mindset

What to look for in a partner

Why you need to find your elevator person

How to rekindle your current relationship

Why you don’t need to heal yourself in order to start dating

How do to find the right person for a fulfilling relationship  

Why you should delay sex when dating

Rapid fire Questions


Here is my favorite quote from this week’s episode:

"When we date for people that are just good on paper, sometimes they're not even worth the paper it's written on." – Bela


Bela Gandhi is a nationally renowned dating and relationship expert, founder of Smart Dating Academy, and host of the top-rated Smart Dating Academy podcast. Smart Dating Academy boasts zero divorces in 14 years, with thousands of happy couples.


The Kim Gravel Show is a weekly podcast for women where you stop doubting and start believing in yourself. On each episode Kim tackles the topics that women care about in a way that will make you laugh, make you think, and help you see your life in a new, more positive way.

Do you want real confidence that doesn’t waiver in the face of circumstances?

Do you want to stop making excuses and value yourself more than ever?

Then you’ve come to the right place. 


New episodes of The Kim Gravel Show drop every Thursday.


Get tickets to my LIVE book launch event here


Pre-Order my new book: Collecting Confidence


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Connect with Bela:

Smart Dating Academy






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*This transcript was auto-generated*

Kim Gravel: Coming up on the Kim Gravel Show:

Bela Gandhi: so many times people will say, well go out and buy some new lingerie. Right? And that'll spice things up. But if you don't have that emotional intimacy where you feel supported, cheerleader safe, you feel like your partner hears you, sees you, has your back. How are you going to maintain an attraction to that person long-term between not that person how, right.

Opening Introduction: Let's just go on and spill the tea. This is The Kim Gravel Show. This is one of the realest persons I've ever met in my darn life. You gotta watch this. My mission is to encourage every single woman, we're here to lift y'all up. There's no one more effective than moms. You mess with the bull. You going to get the horns. I need coffee. I need Jesus and I need therapy. If you can bring a smile to people's faces, why would you not? We love our kids. We love our husbands. What a blessing. We're gonna dedicate this to you in finding your superpower. Okay girl. True confidence is knowing who you are and why you're here.

Hey y'all. Kim Gravel here, and this is the Kim Gravel Show. And this season we are leveling up our lives and stepping in. I said it stepping into our purpose and we're gonna do it together, but this week is a really, really cool thing. We're gonna be talking about how to bring the right people into your life, create better relationships.

Dating with friendships, we're gonna talk about how to level up our relationships, right? Because so many people have, reached out to us, Zac, and said, how do I start dating again? I'm single again, or I'm trying to find the right person for my life, or how do I make the right business relationships?

Everything about life Zac is relationships. Did you know that?

Zac Miller: And we get so many messages from people that are just like, I've been off the dating market for 10 years and I want to get back in, or I wanna start something new. How do I do it right? How to find love? Where to find your love? What to look for in a partner? And that's hard. It's hard. I can't hard imagine going back into dating.

Kim Gravel: Our guests that we're having on today.

We're talking about relationships, how to find your soulmate, and how to level up those relationships. And it really applies to all different types of relationships. But I think for me, and, you know, I am a people person, so, you know, I love socialization. I love chatting with people. I love learning about their lives. I love laughing.

I love, you know, going out to eat and. You know, fun and I love relationships. Not everybody likes people, but this is a true story. It just happened to me. So my kids started going to a new school. True story. So we're going to a new school. It's a small school, not a lot of people there, so it's not like you get lost in the crowd.

Right. And plus, like my sister calls me big bird cuz my hair's like chicken scratch, it stands up and I'm taller and I'm bigger. You know, I'm a size 12 tight 12 lose 14, you know, so I'm, I'm a. It's true. I mean, look, I love every part, right? You have to love every part of who you are, good, bad, and ugly.

Yep. So, you know, it, it's not like I go in and just fly under the radar, right? I'm loud, I'm you go. Got bright blonde hair, I'm in your face. And so I go to the basketball game one night and I walk in by myself. I paid my $9 at the door, which I need to talk to school about. That sounds pretty pricey for a low, high school basketball game.

Paid me $9 and I went in there. No one said a word to me. No one said, you're new. How are you? Welcome to the school. Hey, now sit with us. It'ss. Nice to meet you. No, I was starting and now look. Now granted, I'm, I'm a person that's in your face. It's not like I'm sitting around. It was a wallflower, right? And so I started second guessing myself.

I started feeling like, oh my gosh. You know, you, you, you just start, you just start doubting yourself. And this one woman, Amanda, came up to me and she was like, Hey, my name is Amanda. My son plays on this, welcome to the school, shook my hand. If you need anything, let me know. I mean, she was just in my face, just so welcoming.

And she was the only person who did that. And I absolutely love her Today. We still are friends because of that. Now, of course we've made tons of friends, but I say all that to say. Relationships and getting to know people regardless if it's love, if it's friendship, what, whatever. If you're going into a new situation, wanting to make new friends at 51, it is still challenging.

I'm on TV every week.

Zac Miller: I was gonna say 51.

Kim Gravel: I'm 50 years old

Zac Miller: and you, and you not like, you know, a, a confidence coach. Right.

Kim Gravel: But that's my point. Like it is, it is something we as humans all crave. We all want to be loved and accepted. I'm telling you. And I'm not just talking about romantic love and marriage.

That's great. It's awesome. And when it, and when it's right, it's really good. It's hard work, but it's really good. But all of us as human beings, young, old, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter your age, it doesn't matter your color, it doesn't matter where you're from. None of that matters. We all are born with innate desire to be loved and seen, and I think we don't work on our relationship skills.

and how to be proficient in relationships enough. We work on our TikTok, we work on our Instagram filter post. We work on having our kids wear the best little $500 pair of shoes, which you, you, you can forget that that ain't gonna happen in the gravel house. Okay? We work on trying, we work on our status symbols.

We work on looking like we're social. We look on looking like we're successful. But we don't work on our relationship people skills and how to find those right relationships and how to be that kind of partner ourselves. Would you agree with that, Zac?

Zac Miller: A million percent. And I feel like the, the level up here is like bringing the right people into your life, right?

Kim Gravel: Right, right. Easier said than done though.

Zac Miller: Yeah, I have no idea how to do it.

Kim Gravel: but look at our relationship, Zac. I mean, we met you were the line producer and Kim of Queens, and instantly we connected because you were a person of excellence that wanted to raise and elevate that production. And of course, that's what was my heart.

My desire was to do the same and look even. You know, over 10 years later, we are still connecting and still friends, and we're still in a, in a strong relationship together. That is that, that is what today's guest, Bela Gandhi is gonna tell us how to do, is to find that person. She calls it an elevator person.

I'm gonna say it's that level up person in every relationship in your life, and you're saying, can that happen? It sure can. Just wait. We'll be right back with Bela Gandhi.

Hey y'all. Kim Gravel here in my new book Collecting Confidence comes out April 25th and I want you to come and be a part of our live book launch event in Atlanta, Georgia.

Tickets go on sale February 10th, so head to kimgravel.com to get all the details. I can't wait to see you there.

Okay, buckle up buttercup. It is the season of love and we have the Love master coach of all time right here on The Kim Gravel Show. Bela Gandhi. Lemme just give you a little heads up about this woman. She is a powerhouse. She founded the Smart Dating Academy. She's one of the nation's top relationship coaches on how to find your soulmate.

Thousands of people and couples find love. Zero divorces in 14 years. Yeah, she can back it up y'all. She's been featured on Good Morning America. The Kelly Clarkson show, Steve Harvey, CNN, ABC, CNBC. She is a true professional. She also has her own podcast called Smart Dating Academy, but now she's on The Kim Gravel Show and we talking Love today.

Welcome Bela Gandhi.

Isn't that fabulous? Isn't that amazing?

Bela Gandhi: I'm not often rendered speechless. That was beautiful.

Kim Gravel: I loved it. It's the season of love. Okay. I've been married, gosh, how long have I been married, Bela? Long time. Long time. Long time. You know? But I still remember those first few dates and really that falling in love experience and I can't tell you how many people we have that reach out to our show, Bela, that want to find true love that companionship, that partnership, you've got to help us all right now know how to fall in love, when to fall in love, and who do we need to fall in love with?

Bela Gandhi: I got you. I got you front back. I believe it. One. And so with regards to timing, right, it's peak dating season right now. That's when the getten is good.

This is when the new fish have come to see the tide is high. And it is. And why does it happen? Because it starts December 26th. It's the day after Christmas. Does it really? Everyone's like, okay. I've had enough of my family and I'd really like Aunt Sally to stop asking me when I'm gonna have a boyfriend or girl, whatever it is.

And so, and then New Year's Day comes around, 48% of Americans are unmarried in this country, 115 million single people. So if you feel like you are the last single person on Earth, you are not. That is census Bureau data. And so New Year knew me. That's what drives this massive shift and this massive growth in the dating pool.

Kim Gravel: 48% of all people.

Bela Gandhi: Unmarried in this country.

Kim Gravel: Unmarried?

Bela Gandhi: Yes, ma, ma'am.

Kim Gravel: Wow. What? What I'm hearing you say is there is somebody out there for everybody. I mean, if we've got that many singles out there, surely we can find the right person.

Bela Gandhi: You know what I say, Kim, there is a, there is a lid to every pot , and there are many lids with your cute little pot, right?

Whatever the shape of your little pot is, there is a glass lid, there is a stainless lid, there is a green dented enamel lid, but that lid fits your personal pot just perfectly. So get inspired. All we do all day long is help people find the lid to their pot. So I'm telling you, he is out there and you have to become a psychotic optimist.

Kim Gravel: Oh, come on now. What have we gotta do to find this person? Give us, give us your little short, you know, one, two threes. How do we start looking for that, that lid to our pot?

Bela Gandhi: First of all, you've gotta have the right mindset that the lid to my pot is out there and I'm gonna find him. It's a when. Not an if, and that's part of being a psychotic optimist, right?

You gotta get your mind in the right place because if you're stuck here, you're gonna be stuck through the whole process, right? We've gotta clear out the cobwebs of, I'm too old, I'm too damaged, I've got too many kids, I'm too heavy, I'm blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Those are the things that are keeping you stuck.

Look around you ladies. Is it only. Itty bitty size zero people in relationships, hell no. Look at their love. All states, all sizes. Stop telling yourself the bad story. There is a lid to your pot. Whatever is in that pot, there is someone that is gonna embrace it with that lid.

Kim Gravel: Bela, why do you think that we, especially women, okay, cuz we're, we're, we're talking, you know, men too, but why do we as women always tend.

Tell ourselves the bad things and believe the bad things about ourselves, especially when we're going into relationships. What is it about love that really warps our mindset?

Bela Gandhi: It brings out the most vulnerable parts of us, right? That's it. Finding the red lid, your pot, there's nothing more important, and yet it's the thing that we're most tender.

And we could have wounds from things that our parents told us. God bless them. They tried their hardest. But we hold on to those things and those tapes play over and over again. Maybe we had a toxic X or two or seven that told us. Similar things. And so now what we, we take those bad seed things and we plant them in our minds, and they grow into these giant oak trees.

So I'm saying, we're gonna take a hatchet, we're gonna chop those bad trees down because that is not who you are. You've gotta stop telling yourself the bad story, and that's your f. First big step to believing that you can do this. Believing that the lid to your pot is out there. Because so many people are like, oh, give me a break.

There's only damaged goods out there. Everybody looks like a felon.

Kim Gravel: all the women that I deal with that are single or single again, Bela, they they do. They're like, oh, it's just because they get on the dating apps and they do this and that, and everything's just a hookup. I mean, I'm talking like 50 year old women are just saying all, you know.

All these mens just want hookups or they're losers, or the bba b ba ba. That's, that's the narrative that I'm hearing.

Bela Gandhi: It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. If I said to you, walk into this party and tell me all the people that are wearing red right now, you'd walk around, you'd have your handy little notepad, and you'd be like, all right, Bela, there's 11 people wearing red.

Now, if I said to you, all right, how many people were wearing. . You're like, girl, you asked me about red. You didn't ask me about purple. That's what happens with online dating and dating in general. If you think there's only hook, upy, trashy, former felons out there, what is your mind gonna anchor on? Oh, see, look at that.

And that's what you're gonna see and what happens. You put blinders on and you're missing all the good people. So my team and I, we are in the weeds with you going, oh, see, now you missed these three. . Why did you do that? I know why? Because you had your dark and gloomy lenses on when you were looking at the app.

They're like, I don't know how I miss them. That's what happens. That is what this whole process is about. What are we supposed looking for?

So I'm gonna give you two answers. What we, for women that work with us, we have this whole process and it's called high end good husband qualities, right?

So we're marching people down.

Kim Gravel: That process, you gotta stop right there, you gotta stop. You got to say, you got to explain what, you went over that too fast, girl. You just ran over that. You've got to stop and explain what you just said in depth. That is so flipping good.

Bela Gandhi: High end good husband qualities.

Now don't say, well, I don't wanna get married ever again. I'm using the word husband as lid to pot. Okay. So, got it. That is love that what most people that come to us are like, I have specialized in finding bad husbands. . Right? And so and so finding a good one requires a lot of work for some people.

Drilling in to old. Parent stuff, attachment stuff. I have people that if there is a red flag dor in the room, they're like, oh, bring me that one. Right? And so finding high ghq, it's partly who's the kind of guy that's gonna make you happy? What do you need versus what you want? In a relationship, so many people are stuck on that gerbil, that hamster wheel.

Well, I want him to be six feet tall. I want him to make over $150,000. I want him to have 50 stamps in his passport. Right? I don't wanna be a nurse or a purse. I get all of that right? But when we date for people that are just good on paper, sometimes they're not even worth the paper it's written.

Kim Gravel: Well, and, and sometimes you have to look for the potential in people too.

I mean, a lot of people, cuz look, we're all a work in progress too. And you talk about an elevator person. Can you tell everybody what that is? What do you mean by an elevator person? And can this elevator person be in any aspect of relationships in your life? Whether it be, you know, your husband, your wife, your best friend.

I mean, what is that?

Bela Gandhi: Gave me goosebumps that you know that. So it's a turn. It's elevator people, right? We all have them in our lives. They are the people that elevate you. They lift you up, they make you happiest. Who, and what we do with our clients is we sit with them. I'll say, who's your dream guy? And they're like, oh, he is tall.

And he looks like George Clooney mixed with the Marlborough man. And like, we get all this stuff. I'm like, okay, okay, okay, that's great. Then we put that list to the aside and then we. Who are the people in your life that make you really happy? And they're like, oh my gosh. Well, my friend Kim. I'll say, well, why does your friend Kim, why is she an elevator person?

Oh, that Kim, she is the most positive person. She lights up the room when I see her name on my cell phone, I know she's calling me with something good. She has my back. I can tell her anything, and I know she is my biggest cheer. Right? And we go through this list with people and what we end up doing is we look for the commonalities in their elevator people.

And I was like, sweetheart, this is your new checklist.

Kim Gravel: Wow.

Bela Gandhi: Because there are pervasive themes, and this is why we've had those zero divorces in 14 years. Because your husband, your future husband, your future led to your pot should have the same qualities as your elevator people. In fact, long-term, he should be your number one elevator person.

Ah, When I did my TED Talk, I literally had people say to me, what if my husband is not an elevator person for me? I said, then you need to watch this together and you need to talk about this. You need to open up the conversation because maybe he thinks he is, but you are not getting what you need to be elevated.

Use this as a conversation.

Kim Gravel: Okay. I'm gonna, I'm gonna step out here cuz it just hit me when you were talking about this and people in current relationships, is it possible. . It's like some women might be listening to this, some men may might be listening to this, and they're having a rocky time in their marriage.

You know, seasons, you know, marriage ebbs and flows from, from what Travis experience says. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard. Bela hard is there hope to rekindle this kind of passion and love for those of us who are married and are looking. to, you know, create that elevator person within ourselves and within our marriage for each other.

Bela Gandhi: That's how you do it, Kim. It so many times people will say, well go out and buy some new lingerie. Right. And that'll spice things up. But if you don't have that emotional intimacy where you feel supported, cheerleaded safe, you feel like your partner hears you, sees you has your back, how are you going to maintain an attraction to that person long term?

You're not that person. How? Right? That's a three month, six month. Great one and done. But when you don't have that connection, you can't have physical passion long term. And this is what people don't know, right? And it's like, this is the stuff we need to talk about and have those conversations. If you're not an elevator person for me, then I need to tell you how you could be.

Make it constructive. I need to support you as my partner, honey. It would make me so happy if when I have a win I didn't feel like I was putting you down. I want you to say, I'm so proud of you. And I am honored to be with you, whatever that is for you.

Kim Gravel: How does this relate in other relationships too?

Because, you know, I've been in the self-help world. I love listening to different podcasts like yours and, and so many others about how to become a better human myself before I can show up for someone else and, and be that person, be that elevator person. How, how do we start really? Having that relationship with ourselves, Bela.

I cuz I think that for me, the more I, you know, like, and love myself, the more I'm able to pour out to my children, my husband, my friends, my relationships. How important does it start with you? First before you find that one true lover or before you find that really tight best friend or you know, whatever the relationship you're seeking now.

Because I think what you're saying really, you, you can use this and apply this in all the relationships in life, cuz that's what life is. It's just about relationships.

Bela Gandhi: That's it. You're exactly right. You're exactly right. And I love everything you're saying. And here's what I want all of you listening to this to know, it's, you don't have to be perfect. You don't have to look in the the mirror every day and say, I love you, Bela Gandhi. I love everything about you, because the truth of the matter is that's not true, right? I can be kinder to myself. I can be gentle to myself, but that doesn't mean I don't have pain. That doesn't mean I don't have unfinished business.

It just means. , I'm all right, and I know where I'm good. I know where I need help, and when I'm feeling that way, then I can pour into you and I can pour into people. But so often people think I need to be totally healed and I need to just be in love with myself. I'm like, call me when that day happens.

It's like saying, oh,

Kim Gravel: it'll never happen.

Bela Gandhi: Ready? It never happens. It's like, oh, never happened. I just knew when I was ready to be a mom. No, you didn't. Never happened. I'm still not ready to be a mom and I have an 18 year. Me neither. 14 year old. Right. We're not ready yet. So that's the thing. If you don't feel like, oh, I need to be healed more, the question is, Okay.

Do you really? You know what, cuz we're all works in progress, but if you're feeling good and if the thought of going on a date excites you and you are doing the work to fix your picker, so you are doing the work to not find the red flag dozers all over again. If you need help for good lord's sake, get help.

There's a lot of help out there that didn't exist 20 and 30 years ago. Right? We want to. Space for you. And we're like personal trainers for people's love lives. So it's true. Get inspired. You don't have to be perfectly healed or perfectly in love with you to go through this process. Cuz if that's the case, I shouldn't be married for 25 years.

How about you?

Kim Gravel: Amen. Hello? Hands up for that one. Hey. Okay. How do you figure out who women think they wanna be with and actually need, I always say this, Travis is everything I never thought, but always wanted. Like he doesn't look like what I thought he was gonna look like. He doesn't act like what I thought he was gonna look like, but he's everything I've ever wanted.

So how do you get people from what they want to what they really need that will fulfill them in relationships.

Bela Gandhi: So looking at this list, the difference between what I want and what I need and looking at their elevator people and looking at the things that elevate them in their relationships. So, so, so important because that helps to sift out the dark sarc.

Mean red flaggy, narcissistic, avoidant people right then and there. So looking at the people that elevate you, you're like, oh, wow. And I encourage you all to do this. Make a list of your elevator people. Look for the common themes, right? A lot of words. I see supportive cheerleader has my back, loyal, can trust them with anything, right?

And then now what you need to do is dating starts with process of elimination because elevator quality take a. Time to develop. You don't know that somebody's kind up front. In fact, if somebody says to me I'm a nice guy, he's probably not that nice cuz nice people don't need to say that they're nice, they just don't you.

Kim Gravel: Right. Got that right. You've got that right girl. Say that again For the people on the back . Just cuz you say it don't mean it's true.

Bela Gandhi: Our process. Nobody's getting exclusive in a relationship until they've been on 15 legit dates with somebody, and those are like two hour dates and we talk about sex exclusivity, no sex until you're in an exclusive relationship.

Kim Gravel: So, okay, that was my next question. That was my next question.

Bela Gandhi: Yes. Sex specific ladies. When you're having sex with people, you are emitting oxytocin in elevated, elevated, elevated levels that come out through orgasm or heck for a lot of women. Even just making out with somebody that is the chemical that makes us feel cuddly and affectionate.

When you give birth and your milk comes in and you bond with your infant, it's oxy ttoc. , right? So suddenly you have sex with your mechanic cuz you think you need a bender. You're chemically oxytocin bonded to your mechanic tomorrow. Now, I'm not saying your mechanic isn't your guy, but if you know he's red flags and he flirts with everybody, you have just now put, imagine an umbilical cord between you and him, that is what you have just.

Kim Gravel: Girl, we could have a whole podcast on that. I mean, you know, you say it so medically sound and it sounds so great, but this is how I grew up hearing it. , why pot a cow when you get in the milk for free? That's, that's how you're talking about milk. We talking about, you know, same time. That's how I heard it growing up, Bela.

Like it, there is some truth to like, now you're telling me there's chemical reactions that prove that and plus you don't know that person. Am I being too old? People tell me, I'm like, little farty McTardy. Like I'm just like an old fart. I'll be an old fart because I totally agree with everything you're saying.

Bela Gandhi: And let me tell you this, this has nothing to do with age. You can find love at any age. I work with, thank you plenty of people over 50. And they're like, I had to wait for more than five dates. I was like, Okay. No. So no, we are not old.

Kim Gravel: So they're, they're horny and old. They're horny and old.

Bela Gandhi: Well, thank goodness if you're horny and old, good on you.

Right? But the thing is, congratulations, keep your pants on right now, okay? Until 15 dates. Okay? And let me tell you this, define a date. The dates are not, oh, he said he is gonna make me dinner. That is the oldest trick in the book. Okay. There's Frank Sinatra playing in the background. Two bottles of wine.

Oh, it's his place. Oh, there's a bed

Kim Gravel: And a triscuit and two slices of cheese. That ain't dinner ,

Bela Gandhi: that's not dinner with cheese whizz. No. Thank you. Right, and I mean, right. A can of cheese is not dinner, so No, no. And even if it's a good dinner, and even if he makes the effort on date three, that doesn't mean that you're gonna sleep with him.

I work with men too as a coach, and they're like, if I. . Ask a woman to come over and I'm gonna make her dinner. She knows she's coming to my place. She knows that there's a bed. I've got a three and four chance of getting late, and I'm like, ladies, oh my God. Walk over here. So we don't go to each other's houses over those 15 dates.

I love, love you. We're going for walks. We're going bowling, we're going mini golfing, we're going whiskey tasting, wine, tasting, skydiving, carnivals, you name it. Have fun together. See what this person's like in different situations. See girl competitive if they don't like you winning. You can tell a lot by someone if you know what to look for.

And again, process of elimination when they throw down a red flag. Bye.

Kim Gravel: I love your candor and I love how earnest you are in saying this message. I can tell it's so passionate for you, but you, you are saying truths that I think our modern day society with online dating and texting and TikTok and all of that, that we've kind of dumbed down the, the actual excitement and the anticipation of falling in love.

To me, that's honey. After 20 something years, that's what I'm hanging onto. Cause I remember that time. Okay. Right, because we sure don't have that right now. And you know, we're in the throes of raising children. We've got elderly parents. I mean, we are in the throes of real life. But when you can look back at those 15 dates, 20 dates, six months, whatever, and you can remember those butterflies and all of those times, Bela, isn't that what some of the payoff, isn't that what?

Isn't that part of the process? I don't know. Call me romantic. I don't know.

Bela Gandhi: In general, I'm gonna say something about dating with butterflies in your. Okay. What we, you and I are talking about, I married someone who was not my type either. His name is Andy. We've been married for 25 years. Amazing. What I will tell you is when you think about your husband in that beginning period, it's excitement.

Let me differentiate butterflies. Ladies butterflies in your stomach while you're dating are. Oh God. Butterflies. Are your gut telling you danger will Robinson? There's fear. It's our female. Okay. Intuition saying there's danger up ahead and people are like, wait, what? I've been dating for butterflies. I'm like, I did this.

When I, every, I wanted butterflies in my stomach, and this is before I started dating my husband and every person that gave me butterflies in a big, flipping your stomach over kind of way after date. One at a certain point, left me flat on my back, looking up going, what the hell just happened?

And so excitement is something that can build with the right person. You don't have to have sizzling chemistry right away because if you are feeling hot and heavy chemistry on date one, I'm gonna tell you what, it's probably red flags and it's probably familiarity. When you come in touch with someone on a date who you're feeling the EB gbs and all of the things and the butterflies.

That is a person that reminds you of a bad ex. It's familiarity.

Kim Gravel: Okay, well, well, I'm gonna retry cause say because truby, I mean, I just got finished writing my book and I could, I didn't like Travis at all, so I didn't have the butterflies at first. I didn't, I didn't, I I didn't even like him. I mean, I turned him down, call flat.

I did. I, and I like what you said, I'm gonna replace my butterfly word. But when I finally realized, oh my gosh, this guy is such a guy of substance, he's so everything I never thought, but always. , it was excitement, so I'm glad that that is the true word. Like cuz we were excited to build our life together.

We were excited to start it, you know, doing things together. We, we came together for a purpose, not just because I love you, you know what I'm saying? It was, it was solid, you know?

Bela Gandhi: It was solid. He, unbeknownst to you, became an elevator person and then, oh, I always say when we got our mental house in order, you and me both it sounds like.

And I stopped dating. I loved red flag. If there was a red flag person in a two miles zone of me, bring him my way. That was my jam. For a long time. Right. Okay. Did all that. But you're right. My husband never gave me butterflies. It was exciting when we first got together, but it was always easy.

 Lust is nature's way of tricking us into attachment

That's what happens. And so it's okay for those feelings to change. It doesn't mean we've fallen out of love with somebody. It just means we've gone from that. I wanna have sex three or four times a day. There would be no humans left on earth if we were all having sex four times a day anymore.

Kim Gravel: I'm exhausted just saying the word sex, much less having it.

Okay. All right. I've got one more question for you. Every guest we have on, we do what we call a rapid fire. So I'm gonna ask you a question, and I don't want you to even think about it. Just say the first thing that comes to your mind. Okay? Okay. I know you're not gonna have a problem with this at all. What are the biggest signs that a man is too fast and furious.

Bela Gandhi: Love bombery, grand, grandiose gestures. Too much too soon. Has bad relationships with a lot of people in his life. Says he's not looking for any drama in his online profile. The man that says he doesn't want any drama in his profile is the one that will cause you drama.

Kim Gravel: I hope people are taking notes. What are the best traits in an elevator person?

Bela Gandhi: The best traits are someone. Loves you. I tell women all the time, I want you to be with a guy that likes you just a little bit more than you like him.

Kim Gravel: Oh my gosh. Grandma used to say that every time. Oh gosh. Say that again.

Bela Gandhi: Yes, yes. He should like you just a little bit more than you like him.

And there's a lot of research behind, right? These are old tried and true adages. They were, that our grandparents would say. But if you look at it, there's a lot of research. . That's actually good when men feel like they've traded up a little bit, whatever they've swam out of their lane just a little bit.

They're like, look what I got. Right? 51 49. That's it. ,

Kim Gravel: What is the one thing you can do to make sure you're finding an elevator person?

Bela Gandhi: Stay slowly and know what your elevator people look like to you. Do the exercise, and if you don't know what a supportive cheerleader kind person is, get.

Help around this. The more toxic relationships you get into, you build those neural pathways deeper and deeper. At a certain point, we have to stop the madness and get the intervention and get the help. I have a team of people. , right? That help clients get your therapist, get your coach, build your village of people, and help you get out of those patterns.

There are therapists that do EMDR for trauma, right? If you have had trauma and it doesn't just have to be abusive sexual trauma, or you know, going through war, it can. What's called C P T S D Complex, P T S D for relationship trauma. So there's so many people and so many resources out there to help you.

If this is resonant, get the help. It will. It's you are worth it.

Kim Gravel: Celebrity Crush, your favorite celebrity crush.

Bela Gandhi: I am kind of in love with Theo James right now, but who isn't?

Kim Gravel: He's safe. Oh, so adorable.

Bela Gandhi: Oh, right. Theo James Divergence White Lotus second season. Please. I love, yes, and thank you. I love Matt Damon also, right?

Like good Damon, Jason Bourne. Yeah, I have a lot. I could just keep going but you don't wanna hand them all.

Kim Gravel: Well, gotta have 'em girl. Gotta have 'em. Gotta have 'em. . Look, I wanna tell you, Bela, you have been, you gotta come back. We gotta come back. We've gotta, we've gotta, we gotta reach out to somebody.

We gotta get into some dating help because you are the real deal. Holy field. I'm telling you. You are amazing and I love how you're bringing this old school type. What we've heard growing up back into a modern day society,

Bela Gandhi: cuz it works. , it works. Let's bring some logic back in a world thank you of disposable people on dating apps.

Let's bring a process back. I grew up with a poster in my house that my chemical engineer dad put up called The 21 Rules for Success in Life. And 16 year old me looked at it one day when I came home, I'm like, why did he hang up that janky poster with a cheap black frame? He wanted to tell us something.

He's not a big talker. And it said, rule number one, marry the right person. Yes, this one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or 90% of your misery.

Kim Gravel: Was he right? Or what?

Bela Gandhi: There is a process to doing this. If it's 90% of your happiness or misery. Yes. Shouldn't there be a way to do this? And that's, yes.

That's the impact we wanna have in the world. There is a process, there is a right way to do this.

Kim Gravel: Do it. Okay, everybody, go and follow Bela Gandhi and her Instagram is at Smart Dating Academy. Listen to her podcast. It's, it's called Smart Dating Academy. The woman knows what she's talking about. Zero divorces in 14 years.

She's got some, some things you can follow to find that elevator person that led to your pot. For you, Bela, come back and be with us. We love you, girl.

Bela Gandhi: I love you. Thank you for having me. This was the highlight of my

Kim Gravel: day.

Amazing. Gosh, she's so good.

She's so right. She's so old school. That is so old school ways of doing it in a modern day. I mean, I don't, I'm not, no disrespect, but it's true. Some of those things we, we throw out that we shouldn't.

Zac Miller: I love that you're like always relating it back to, this is what my parents said, this is what my grandparents said.

Like that's the real world wisdom though, right?

Kim Gravel: Like, well, we call it, someone called it home spun. Another person recently called it down home, but I liked what Bela said. She says, it's logical . I'm like, thank you. Yeah, I, mine is home spun down home and she's the brainiac and hers is logical, but whatever you wanna call it, it works.

Zac Miller: Yep. Kim, Kim, I wanna put you on the spot right now. Can you think of a Kimism for bringing the right person in your life? Do you have one?

Kim Gravel: Mm oh. Got one. Okay. My dad, my daddy used to always say this to me. Here's some little down home, home spun wisdom for you. He used to say to be Kim, I'm gonna do it in his voice too.

Kim, you can't never soar with eagles when you're scratching around with a bunch of turkeys.

Y'all need to leave them Turkeys alone. It's time to level up and soar with the eagles. Y'all, you'll never get there scratching around with a bunch of turkeys, . It's time to level up. Level up your relationships. I love it. Bela Gandhi, go ahead and follow on on our social media. Hires her coach. I'm gonna, I'm gonna let Amy know she's available for coaching.

Zac Miller: I think Amy can use it,

Kim Gravel: probably. I did. I'm gonna call her. Bye y'all. . Bye everybody.

Hold on. You got to buy my book to realize how Travis and I fell in love. Cause he chased me like a dog in heat. Okay. I didn't even like him. I thought he was, I mean, I tell you what, that poor dude, poor Travis, went through so much. God. I was like, let it go,

Zac Miller: but you were worth it.

Kim Gravel: Well, yeah, I, well, don't ask him now.

Let's just, let's just say yes and move on. Like, you know, Amy, she's not a fan of people. you. She keeps her. It's so true though. Like people,

The Kim Gravel Show is produced and edited by Zac Miller at Uncommon Audio. Our associate producer is Kathleen Grant, the Brunette Exec. Production help from Emily Bredin and Sarah Noto. Our cover art is designed by Sanaz Huber at Memarian Creative and Mike Kligerman edits the show and a special thanks to the team at QVC. Head over to the kimgravelshow.com and sign up for our mailing list. Again, we can't do this without you, so thank you for listening and we love you.

Bela Gandhi

Dating & Relationship Expert / Founder / Entrepreneur / Wife / Mom

Bela Gandhi is a nationally renowned dating/relationship expert, founder of Smart Dating
Academy, host of the top-rated Smart Dating Academy podcast and has been featured on most
national/local media outlets including Good Morning America, Steve Harvey, the Today Show,
Kelly Clarkson, CNN, Access, ABC, NBC, Fox, and more. Smart Dating Academy boasts zero
divorces in 14 years, with thousands of happy couples.

After Gandhi graduated (with dual degrees in Finance and German from the University of
Illinois in Urbana/Champaign), Gandhi worked in mergers and acquisitions for Arthur Andersen
in Chicago for a year before joining her family's chemicals manufacturing company (CCC), where
she divided her time between Chicago and Europe helping to expand the business. When the
Gandhi family sold its business to Fortune 500 company Akzo Nobel, she was asked to remain
its leader, and became Akzo Nobel Non-Stick Coating’s Global Vice President of Housewares.
But even as she quickly climbed the corporate ladder, Gandhi had a feeling that her career
would one day be taking a sharp turn in a different direction – because she discovered her gift
of matchmaking and providing dating advice. She became an entrepreneur and launched Smart
Dating Academy in 2009.

Smart Dating Academy has quickly become one of the nation's top date/relationship coaching
firms - and teaches busy, successful professionals to jump start their dating lives successfully.
Smart Dating Academy is described by its clients “like going to Harvard Business School, but for
dating and relationships.” SDA’s coaches become personal trainers for their clients’ love lives –
helping them to navigate the ever-changing world of online & in-person dating. The SDA
coaching program is results-oriented and fun - which helps you to clarify who is right for you,
stop old dating patterns, and use technology the RIGHT way. Bela attends more weddings than
she can count and she “loves love”.