Oct. 21, 2021

Collecting Confidence

Collecting Confidence

If you’ve ever felt stuck. If you have problems in your life that are weighing you down and stopping you from being successful, then this episode is for you.

If you’ve ever felt stuck. If you have problems in your life that are weighing you down and stopping you from being successful, then this episode is for you.  


This week we’re living out loud and doing something completely new! Kim’s going deep without a guest in a new segment called Collecting Confidence. She’s opening up about the biggest obstacles she’s ever faced and how she embraced them; including a controversy that may have cost her the Miss America crown, and a lawsuit during the launch of Belle by Kim Gravel that shook Kim to her core.  


This episode is all about changing the way you think about the obstacles in your life. You are uniquely and beautifully made and your best is still ahead of you! We’re turning our mess into our message and embracing our obstacles this week on LOL with Kim Gravel. 


Make sure to tell a friend about LOL with Kim Gravel!


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*This transcript was auto-generated*

Kim Gravel: [00:00:00] Hey everybody. Kim Gravel here with LOL with Kim Gravel. I'm so thrilled to be. Thank you just right off the bat for listening. And if you would tell somebody about LOL was Kim Gravel because we're going to be, we're going to start digging a little deeper into some of what makes living out loud so important.

And so fulfilling in some of these episodes. So tell a friend, share it, write and review as pleased. We'd love to hear you, but I'll just thank you for listening today because I have something, um, Zac, I want to talk about, we're going to start something new here at LOL with Kim Gravel, we're going to do a segment called Collecting Company.

For those of you who don't know I'm in the throes of completing my book, entitled collecting confidence. Um, as of right now, I want to break down some of those segments, some of those chapters in, um, why I wanted to write this and why I think collecting confidence [00:01:00] is such an important topic. Zac, I see this crisis of confidence in, in the world today.

Government in our corporations, in even the family unit in our churches, in our communities, people are having this crisis of confidence when it comes to trusting in. Why don't you feel like we're in a, in a moment where people are, are having this crisis of confidence?

Zac Miller: Yeah, it's funny. I think, I think you're totally right, Kim.

It's almost like there's a dual crisis of confidence that I'm seeing, which is either people are lacking the confidence to help themselves or people are overconfident and using that overconfidence to maybe take them in the wrong direction. Right.

Kim Gravel: Oh, nice. No, it, it is a double-edged sword there. Right?

Totally true. But that overconfidence is fake, right? [00:02:00]

Zac Miller: So, yes, probably you're right. It really shouldn't be called confidence. Maybe it should, maybe it's even something else.

Kim Gravel: Yeah. Yeah. It we're at the point where I think we're all looking and seeking and I love seekers. I always say this seek and you shall find, you know, ask and it shall be given knock and the door will be answered.

I totally believe that because I think people who are looking for something, you gotta be careful where you look, but you'll find. Or it'll find you. And so in collecting confidence, is this, is this a moment in time? I say queer people are wanting more, more out of their life, more out of their purpose. I want to talk about how to navigate through obstacles in your life.

Because I think that's the key to success. And I tell people all the time, I talk about purpose a lot, and I talk about how the best is not behind you. It's in front of you. And we [00:03:00] have all these feel-good messages out there, and it's absolutely truth. And positivity is amazing. But if you can't navigate obstacles, And an obstacle can be a nail in your tire.

It could be a person, it could be a personality conflict with someone. It could be a variable plethora of things in your life that if you cannot learn how to navigate the obstacles and use them to your advantage, because I always say this, if the obstacle is not removed, then it will be used. And I've learned that because you know, we're living in a world now where everything is so high.

Everything is fight or flight. Everything is do or die. I posted something on social media said people are not as bad as they seem and people are not as good as they pretend. I think that's a good statement. I think that's sort of the sign of our times, right? I mean, people always ask me, how are you successful?

How are you successful? Mostly [00:04:00] it's I'm just still standing right here. You've kept at it. I've learned how to navigate through. The jungle of obstacles. If we can talk about today, how you can do that and how you can, um, some of the practices I have put in place in my life to be able to manage the emotion of obstacles and the stress and the fear and all of that.

I think people would see a really big uptick in their success in their life. I always tell people is that the best is not behind you. It's in front of. Yeah, I'll always say if you're not six feet under, you're not done. And I think a lot of people listening might think, you know, it's over for them, whatever their thing is is over.

But I'm here to tell you it's not. And I think why people have this fatigue of pursuit of their passions and purpose is because of obstacles. Okay.

Zac Miller: What does that mean?

Kim Gravel: Okay. [00:05:00] So I'm talking about. How you see an obstacle. Okay. Honest to God today. It's going to, well, I get worried because now I look at obstacles is absolute growth.

Obstacles are not to prevent you from getting to your destination. They are preparing you to get to your destination. I love that. And I'm telling you, when I shifted the way I looked at things that were happening to me, because this is the, this is the bottom line y'all you cannot control a lot of times what happens.

I mean, you can't, you can put some parameters in place. You can put some boundaries up, you can make better decisions. Yes, yes, yes. And let me tell you something, don't beat yourself up. If you have been making bad mistakes that have caused the obstacles in your life, hear me clearly. If you have made mistakes in your life, please, for the love of God, [00:06:00] let it go.

Okay. We are human beings. Perfection is a myth. It will never, you'll never accomplish perfection. Hear me clearly, because so many people are not living in their purpose of their destiny are not even happy in their lives because of the past mistakes they've made. Remember your best is not behind you. It is ahead of you.

And when an obstacle comes your way, embrace it. Okay. Do you know what I mean by that, Zac?

Zac Miller: I think I know what you mean. I think what you're trying to say, or what you are saying is that you always should be learning from every single mistake.

Kim Gravel: Not only learning from it. I think we've got that. I think we teach.

Okay. Everything's a learning experience. I'm talking about run towards it. Okay. Run into it. Are you talking about taking risks then I'm talking about facing, fighting the. Okay. I used to have this fear. [00:07:00] Okay. Long story short. I was Ms. Georgia. It was very young. It was 19. I went to miss America. Now when I was 19, I was a total idiot.

Okay. All 19 year olds are, I was a total idiot. Not only was I not experienced at all, but I thought I was an expert. And I love it. Cause today is come around. There's so many experts out there with absolutely no experience so that everybody says, well, the times have changed. Now. People are experts and know experience.

Not that's always been, I was that at 19, I thought it was an expert at and had absolutely no experience. So at 19, I go to miss America, I'm very naive and I learned real fast that life. Okay, long story short, they turned my mic off. No one could hear me sing first time in history. I was on USA today. It was just so controversial, blah, blah, blah.

Zac Miller: Wow.

Kim Gravel: Yeah, [00:08:00] it was a big deal. It was a big deal. It was a mistake who knows it was a punch in the gut to me personally, because I did not know how to navigate the real life scenario. That real experience. Right. So the expert became a dummy real quick. So fast forward to today. So ever since that loss at Miss America, every season of my life, I lived in fear that it was going to go away.

Okay. So relationships, I would be a fear, not that they were going to leave me and I was insecure that it was just going to go away. Something was going to happen and my mic was going to get turned off. Like the rug would get pulled up. Cause they turned my mic off at Miss America or whatever happened in that I felt like cost me the crown.

Zac Miller: So just paint a picture for me. So you were, you hit the stage to perform my talent.

Kim Gravel: Yes. Opera, Phantom of the [00:09:00] opera. Okay. Well I want to take it back and say my interview was messed up. I had to start my interview over again. Okay. So I'm just trying to set you up here with how this obstacle affected.

Long-term so I'd walk. I walked into my interview at Miss America. Um, something happened, I don't know, you know, you're in it, you don't know is the technical difficulty and you see my air quotes. I had to go back out, start my interview over that through me. Yeah. And then, cause I knew something wasn't right.

I just didn't know what it was. And then when I sang my talent, my mic went off coincidence or what, who knows, had to do that again, first time that ever happened. So, and then I did. Make top ten at Miss America didn't win. I was chosen to be an ambassador to Japan. I was good enough to do that, but not. So you have to think about a 19 year old mind.

So I'm thinking, oh my gosh, everything good. That comes to me goes away. So that carry that obstacle. That thinking went in every aspect of [00:10:00] my life in relationships. That's all. Oh, it's going to go away. It gets too good. It's going to go away.

Zac Miller: You said that obstacle that thinking, are you saying the obstacle is.

In your head, right. Okay.

Kim Gravel: So fast forward to Kim of Queens. I entered that. I knew I wanted to be, take it to a national level, this platform of empowerment for women. So when I did Kim of Queens and you were a part of that Zac, my fear from day one was this is going to go away. And in TV, that is, I mean, that's like the fear.

Talk about freaking obstacles. I mean, there was, that show was nothing but flipping obstacles everywhere you turn.

Zac Miller: Oh yeah.

Kim Gravel: So I had this embedded in me, ingrained in my head that anything good that comes to me, it will go away. It's the way I was looking at. It was not only obstacle in my mindset, but [00:11:00] even how I looked at obstacles, which are inevitably going to happen to everybody.

I was fearful of all of that.

Zac Miller: How would that affect your actions?

Kim Gravel: Well, you know, a lot of times I wanted to quit. Yeah. And I wouldn't either have people around me saying you can't quit, or I would even doubt myself and just say, well, I'm only regional. I'm not, I'm not big enough. I'm not good enough, whatever.

So I'm just going to stay in my lane. You know, I never would venture out. And I know people's like Kim really, really, it really, that, that one event that started when I was 19 years-old 19 years old, really affected every. Until I decided that, well, you know, if it goes away, it wasn't meant to be something bigger and better coming until I changed the way I looked at obstacles in my life.

People write books about success. People [00:12:00] write how to be successful. People write different lists of things you need to do to be successful. And all that is great. But if you cannot figure out the heartbeat, the DNA, that the reason why successful people are successful, I'm going to tell you if I had to drill it down to a handful of two or three things facing obstacles and embracing obstacles is one of the big.

There will always be a Goliath to your David, but what you got and you Slingshot bay, right? You can't look at it like there's no way you can't look at an obstacle as an ending point. I'm telling you it's the beginning. It is there to propel you. It will even provide for you if you allow it.

Zac Miller: So can you give us an example of an obstacle that you've found like with Belle by Kim Gravel.

Kim Gravel: Absolutely. So when we, when we first started Belle by Kim Gravel, I wrote in my journal in [00:13:00] 2006 that I wanted to be on QVC. And for those of you who don't know QVC, retail giant, like none other it's 30 years old. I was probably 35 years old. Now it's ahead of its time. It was television cells.

It was the internet, it was social media. Before all that existed, it was a way to get direct to the customer. Go direct to our girl in. Show her neat. And this evolved. Okay. It's not gadgets anymore. It was fashion. It's everything. And it's, you know, it's, it's a bit, it's over an $80 billion a year business.

I mean, it's huge. It's massive. It's worldwide. Everybody. I know every celebrity calls me go, girl, I want to get on QVC. Everybody must be on QVC. I mean, I know it has a stigma, but the stigma is wrong. It's very empowering. So in 2006, I said, I'm going to, I w that's what I want to do. I want to have a line on QVC and I want to speak directly to my girl because I love empowering women.

And that was in 2006. So fast forward, [00:14:00] five years ago, when we were pitching this line to QVC. So 2006, all the way, five years ago would have been what? 2016.

Zac Miller: 10 years later, 10 years after you said you wanted to do that, or you started out on the path to potentially doing that correct? 10 years.

I just want to point to that because I think people get caught up with, oh, Kim's on QVC. She's she's done TV. She's famous. She's this she's that. You're a real person and it took 10 years.

Kim Gravel: Yeah. It took 10 years for me, even to mature enough to get there. I mean, you know, that's a whole nother podcast who, when you talk about manifestation, but anyway, so 10 years happened and I'm sitting in QVC pitching my beauty line in apparel line.

To the higher-ups. Okay. So yada yada yada long story short, they loved it. They took it both beauty and apparel. Amazing. Right? All the hard work, the [00:15:00] preparation, the obstacles to get there paid off two months later, um, slapped with a lawsuit of frivolous law that took me to my knees. Keep in mind, I didn't have any money.

I mean, Travis and I worked real jobs. I mean, I had Kim of Queens, but I still was training pageants and working and, you know, doing all that, we were in the building mode and I was slept with this lawsuit. It was frivolous. It was nothing. But as you know, when you, when you're faced with that kind of obstacle, you have to fight it regardless.

And he wanted my. He wanted the name Belle by Kim Gravel. He was saying I couldn't and we were getting ready to go on and launch three months later, he was saying that name was his, but he wanted it to be, they wanted all my intellectual property.

Zac Miller: So you didn't know him at all.

Kim Gravel: It's horrible. This was horrible.

This was talk about an obstacle I had to counter suit. It was just a big nightmare. Everything I had worked for was being challenged. You want to talk about [00:16:00] an obstacle? It not only was the obstacle, it was a brick wall on fire. And I remember falling to my knees in my limit. I get emotional talking about it cause I can remember cause Travis was there and I just said, I said, I can't, I can't fight anymore.

I can't fight anymore. And I remember Travis saying. He goes, yeah, it's not about fighting. He said, this is refining you. He said, if QVC was not going to be such a massive juggernaut for women and for your purpose, it would be easy. Right? The obstacle, if not removed will be you. And that slipped a switch on me.

And I realized, oh my gosh, all the fear of is going away. It's being taken away. All of that left me and I leaned into that. And I seriously thank God every day that I was [00:17:00] sued, really, because all of that I have learned contract negotiations. I have learned how to face bullies, head on. Right. I have learned that I'm stronger than the bully.

I have learned how to be in board rooms with people smarter, more degrees, more money, more influence. And I know how to stand my ground and earn respect. That's huge. Well, that's confidence and that's that hints? The thing we're collecting confidence. That's how you collect it is through these obstacles.

That moment without you on your knees at a moment of weakness, you don't get to have the moments of oh baby, but in your weakness and in your vulnerability, that is your strength. So if you're sitting at home and your husbands left you for somebody else that ain't an obstacle bag, this is propelling. You is preparing you for what's coming.

It's going to be a bigger, better relationship of what you know now what [00:18:00] not to do. Knowing what not to do is more important than knowing what to do, right? Because there is no formula to success. There is no 1, 2, 3, 4 do this, but there are ways to navigate the pitfalls of life. I promise you, the pitfalls are a blessing.

If you look at it that way, if you change the way you look at obstacles, right? So you won the lawsuit, right? Yeah. We kicked button technique. I told him too. I tell him to his face and he didn't listen. I said, don't, you shouldn't do this. It's gonna cost you a lot of money. I said it not an attorney. I said it.

Zac Miller: Right.

Kim Gravel: So, so now no one can say nothing to me. No, you can't come at me and threaten me and me give up. I'm not afraid of anything going away. If it goes away, that means there's something bigger and better waiting on the other side. Even if it's a mistake I've made Zac. I want everybody [00:19:00] to listen. I'm not playing the victim here.

I'm telling you there's been mistakes that I have made personally in my life that has caused the obstacles. But even that is used your mistakes and your mess become your message. Don't, don't get bogged down in perfection that you have to be perfected in your mind before you can get somewhere, honestly.

Uh, no, we live in this bravado world where everybody is so perfect in there. What they present out there is this, this image of whatever, but nine times out of 10 y'all, most people are very, very insecure including me. So you don't have to fake it, right? You don't have to fake that. You know, more than, you know, you don't have to fake that.

You're better than you are. You don't have to fake that. You have more than you have. That humility and vulnerability is confidence. Okay. The obstacles come [00:20:00] because we cause it we're human or because people are, can be hateful and mean or because just life happens. But the true strong people know that, you know, I might not be able to move this mountain right now.

I might not be able to change what's happening to me right now, but I can stand and learn. And that's how you get to success. That's the DNA of success is valleys. There's a lot of valleys. There's more valleys than there are mountain tops. I promise you. There's things that happen every single day that try to trip you up.

And if you think that's not going to happen, but what I'm saying is when those things happen now, Ooh, some good's getting ready happen. See, I know that now, if it's too easy, I'm like, okay, hold up. Something's wrong. We got to, uh, when, when things are coming at me hard and the pressures coming on and the obstacles are coming and I'm facing.

You know, pushback and blow back and all that I know. Okay. Something big is [00:21:00] getting ready to be burst. You know, when an obstacle comes to you and you have that crisis of confidence, you've got to remind yourself who you are. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. That's what I do. I would not have this business if it weren't mine to have.

And I'm naive if I think I'm not going to have to fight for it because it's massively successful. If anything. Takes a lot of work, a lot of effort.

Zac Miller: And you still, and you have to work every day for it. You know, I see how hard you work for it.

Kim Gravel: But it's hard work. Hard work doesn't kill people.

I'm telling you hard work. Hard work is very satisfying. Zac accomplishment through hard work is very satisfying. What really stumps people and stops people from moving to the next level. The punches is the obstacles is the beat downs. If you don't figure out how to navigate and embrace that you'll [00:22:00] quit.

Zac Miller: They'll quit early, too early.

Kim Gravel: And so many people, they get up like the little seed planted. And if you could see underneath and it's green stem, it's getting ready to pop through the earth and then people quit. So it never can. Okay. But the great thing about purpose. Is it in perpetuity it's forever, always moving and there's seasons for purpose.

So whatever season whoever's listening, whatever season you're going through in life, if it is, if you're going through a season of obstacles and heartbreak, financial relational career, I have a friend who will remain nameless, who is really trying to just get her business off the ground. And, you know, we talked.

Pretty pretty often about it. And there's so many things I want to say to her that I see her going through that I can just so relate to, but the one piece of advice, she's not ready to hear it yet, but the one piece of advice I want to give her is you're working on the wrong [00:23:00] things. Don't work on the appearance of what it looks like, work on those little obstacles.

That's nipping at your heels, like a little Chihuahua. That's how obstacles are there is little by. Those are the hardest things to work on. We want to ignore it. We want to ignore it. We want to just gloss over and say, everything's great. It's going to be beautiful. We want to post on social media about it and looks, and I'm not telling you put your business bad business on social media.

Ain't nobody want to hear that? So don't do that. Ain't nobody want to hear your trash on social media. We don't want to hear it. So keep it positive, but I'm just saying that it's those little things that propel you in big ways.

Zac Miller: Well, it seems easy, right? It seems like it feels like you get to a certain level and then, oh, your life is so great and you get to do this and that and not worry.

And you know, I think that that's just a lie, right.

Kim Gravel: In spite of, because of. And I know it's not exciting and people want to [00:24:00] hear me be like, go go girl. And I believe that I truly believe that. But when you get to a place where you're growing and you're leveling up, the pressure is going to level up. The fear is going to level up.

The insecurity is going to level up until you have rice it until you embrace it. But honestly, Zac, the DNA of success is hard work. And it's moving in your purpose, but it's also the daily grind of navigating obstacles in your life. And sometimes, like we said earlier, the obstacle can be in your own head.

Cause I promise you it's not as bad as it seems, it just, it's just not. I could just, my whole thing is I have really found my purpose because my purpose is not a destination. It's not a thing it's is to Edify and build people up. And, um, it comes natural and it's easy, but getting to be able to do it is not easy.

Yeah. [00:25:00] I mean, just doing this podcast is hard work. It is. And don't, we get discouraged that it can be very discouraged and you're out there going, is anybody listening? Does anybody care? We're one of a million podcasts who gives a re you know, you start going through all this, but yeah. What you, what you, you are really important.

I'm telling everybody listening. I feel like your mama or your aunt Kim, or somebody ain't Kiki or whatever you are so important. You're far more important than you even know and what you have to bring matters. Yeah. So it's worth fighting for it's worth facing these obstacles, but lean into it because like I said earlier, and I'm gonna say it again, obstacles will not be removed.

They will be used. Obstacles are inevitable, but I look at it like bringing home, baby.

Zac Miller: Does that mean that you don't get down on yourself when there's big, heavy obstacles?

Kim Gravel: Yes. You're going to get down, but you're strong. You're strong. And if you weren't strong, it wouldn't come to you. If it [00:26:00] weren't going to be to your benefit to move through this, it wouldn't be here.

You got to look at it differently. It's all in how you look at it. Y'all you are stronger than, you know, The world is not coming to an end. It's not doom or gloom. The hope is in you. Hope is how you look at things, hope or things that you can not see. Faith is things that you cannot see. There are things out there you cannot see that is coming for you in your future.

That are amazing.

I swear, when a person catches on to this. And, you know, a lot of times it happens later on in life through experience or what have you. But what I'm saying is such truth in you is success. Every ounce of who you are is phenomenal. I wish I could just share that with everybody. Wish they could feel that because [00:27:00] every else who you are as unique and special and amazing, if we could catch them.

And the earlier these kids can get it the better off they're going to be. There's no comparison. Y'all, there's no, there's no competition. It's just obstacles. And if you can learn to embrace them and move through them, your strength and your confidence will be unmatched. And that's just truth. I think people can feel that.

Yeah, I've lived it. I know it. Yeah. So quit trying to be an expert with no experience like I was at 19. And just going to get you experienced back, it's going to get it cause that no one can take from you. So that's my collecting confidence chauffeur today.

Zac Miller: If you're listening to this and this message is resonating with you, let us know, go to our website, go to lolkim.com.

Leave us a voicemail. Tell us what you're feeling, what you're [00:28:00] going through.

Kim Gravel: It is my purpose to edify and build people up. I get a high off of that. So any questions that you have or any comments or any feelings that you have about yourself? Just email it hit me up on social media site, direct message me, whatever.

Let us talk to you during the segment of collecting confidence.

Zac Miller: I love it.

Kim Gravel: Zac. You're turning into. And we'll be right back. You're turning into your PBS voice. Do you know you have a PBS voice.

Zac Miller: And we'll be right back.

Kim Gravel: Do you know what I'm saying?

Zac Miller: Yeah. I'm like, okay, how are we going to end this?

Kim Gravel: You're a public announcer and I'm a preacher. There you go. That's it.

Zac Miller: There we go. Okay. You know, there's a public announcement ahead.

Kim Gravel: Andy said that, he said, if you'll just turn the camera on Kim and just let her preach, just let her do it.[00:29:00]

and I'm not trying to preach to you. I'm not, I'm just trying to passionately betray how to collect your confidence. I love everybody. So if I am too preachy. Just say, keep that to yourself cause I really don't care.

Zac Miller: Well, here I have an ending that for you ready?

Kim Gravel: Let's do it.

If you love the show, make sure to follow LOL with Kim Gravel on your favorite podcast app. New episodes come out every Thursday. LOL with Kim Gravel is produced and edited by Zac Miller at Uncommon Audio theme music by Taco Pella. Mixing and mastering by Zach T Fell of ZTF studio. Head to lolkim.com for more information, and to join our mailing list.

Thanks for listening.