Forgive Yourself: Letting Go of Guilt and Shame with Allisyn Lambes

*This transcript was auto-generated*

Kim Gravel:

It's not forgiveness for other people. You have unforgiveness for yourself.

Allisyn Lambes:

You make poor choices for yourself. And typically, that comes from a place of not feeling worthy. So hard to forgive myself, because shame and guilt set in after you don't forgive.

Kim Gravel:

We, in our humanness is what makes us good.

Allisyn Lambes:

I want to know what you're saying, because I would like to look at it from a different point of view.

Kim Gravel:

Hey y'all. Kim Gravel here, and welcome to the Kim Gravel Show. I'm excited today because not only do I have Zac with me today, but I also have my sister Allisyn. You're back on the show. You're back on the show. The last time you were on the show, we did a terrible, fantastic, highly rated prank on you.

Zac Miller:

Amazing prank. Such like, 10 out of 10.

Allisyn Lambes:

10 out of 10. It was definitely 10 out of 10. And it was worth every penny I made.

Kim Gravel:

And it was worth every penny I spent. No, but I wanted you back on the show because. Especially before the end of the year, because last week, I did a show about forgiveness. It was really, really good because I've been struggling with. Well, I don't know if you know this, but I launched a Bible guide app, and I'm doing these devotionals for 21 days, and people can go and take it and read the Bible and talk about it and think about it. And the first one's on forgiveness. And so we started doing it, you know, last weekend. I was kind of talking about how, you know, the steps of forgiveness.

Kim Gravel:

And then I had this, like, moment where I was like, oh, my gosh. And the hardest person to forgive is yourself. And you want to roll it, Zac. Roll it.

Zac Miller:

Just before we do that, I just. Allisyn, we have this for you.

Kim Gravel:

Kim's sister, Allisyn.

Zac Miller:

So there you go.

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, why didn't you do all that? That made me sound so royal.

Kim Gravel:

And do it again, Zac. Do it again, Zac.

Allisyn Lambes:

Because I think I just take it granted.

Kim Gravel:

Everybody knows Allisyn.

Allisyn Lambes:

I would like to be important.

Kim Gravel:

Okay, do it.

Allisyn Lambes:

You already are here.

Zac Miller:

You are all important.

Kim Gravel:

Here you go, kids. Sister Allisyn. That's right. Hey, wait a minute.

Allisyn Lambes:

I want that for my ringtone. I've got my own jingle.

Kim Gravel:

I want that for my ringtone when Allisyn calls me. That's.

Allisyn Lambes:

That is fantastic.

Kim Gravel:

Fantastic. Okay, okay.

Zac Miller:

All right.

Allisyn Lambes:

But now.

Zac Miller:

Now. Yes. Here we go, Kim. Here's a clip from last week where you kind of put Allisyn on blast. So we want to see what her response is.

Kim Gravel:

This is why. Wait a minute.

Allisyn Lambes:

This is why I wanted to.

Kim Gravel:

Allisyn to come in. Because the thing about Allisyn that is such a superpower of hers is her transparency. Okay, so go for whoever's listening to this. If you are dealing with unforgiveness, and you might not even know you are, it might just be this hankering, this little gnawing, this little. It could be.

Kim Gravel:

It could be anything. It could be something really big that's happened to you. It could be something really minute. I mean, road rage. I mean, just little things that people do that set you off is really kind of a sign that you have. I'm gonna be so transparent here. I hope my sister does not kill me. But I think she lives with unforgiveness in her life for herself, for things that she has experienced in the past.

Kim Gravel:

And I think it eats her alive. I wish you were here.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah.

Kim Gravel:

Maybe we'll have her on. Maybe we'll do a part two of this.

Zac Miller:

Maybe we should. I mean, that's really interesting, because.

Zac Miller:

Wait, road rage made you think of that? Does. Does your. Does Allisyn have a lot of road rage? Kim?

Kim Gravel:

She does.

Zac Miller:

Okay?

Kim Gravel:

Everything is fist up.

Zac Miller:

Right? Right.

Kim Gravel:

And so I'm just. And I can only say this about her, and I can't speak for her. We're gonna have a part two. We're gonna do forgiveness part two on this. Because Allyson needs to come and speak for herself, but. And she can tell her story of where I think this all. Where the unforgiveness is coming for herself. But reconciliation is a must.

Kim Gravel:

It's a first step. Does that resonate with you? I knew it would. Allisyn, look at me. I knew it would.

Allisyn Lambes:

And you don't even know what's happened this week. Okay? So. Okay, okay, okay.

Kim Gravel:

Well, let's get into it, because I dealt with it, too. Cause I've been having this life coaching, and actually, we just taped an episode with Coach Karen. It was just wonderful. And she was just kind of walking me through the other day in my coaching when she was saying to me, she said, you've got to let this go and let yourself off the hook. Before we did this forgiveness thing, you know, for this episode, I was just like, oh, my gosh. She goes, because you know what I'm dealing with in business and whatever. And she's like, it's not forgiveness for other people. It's.

Kim Gravel:

You have unforgiveness for yourself. And that's where all this is stemming from. And so when I did the unforgiveness episode, I was like, that's Allisyn, too. That's all of us, really. Not just you. Not just me. Are you gonna cry?

Kim Gravel:

You're getting ready to cry.

Allisyn Lambes:

I knew it.

Kim Gravel:

I don't know what.

Allisyn Lambes:

I love it when God does this for me and you. I just. Can I just say.

Allisyn Lambes:

Well, he'll do it every time.

Kim Gravel:

He will. And he just. I mean, he gave Zac. You will. Can you attest to that? That, like, when that happened, it was so organic, and it just came out of nowhere.

Zac Miller:

Oh, 100%.

Zac Miller:

Like a thousand.

Kim Gravel:

I'm like, I knew. Okay, go ahead.

Allisyn Lambes:

Can I just say.

Zac Miller:

Wait, wait, wait. I just want to say, we didn't plan to do a part two, and we didn't plan to bring Allisyn on. And we scrambled after you said that in the last episode. And we were like, we have to bring Allisyn on. We have to have this conversation because this is important.

Zac Miller:

And this is real.

Kim Gravel:

So this resonates with you. All right, tell me why. I'm going to get you a tissue. Hold on.

Kim Gravel:

I just. I love this about you. I told you, Zac, Allisyn is very transparent. She is so, like, I don't care.

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't care what people think about how I feel. Right. That's. I guess what I'm trying. I'm not trying to be ugly when I say it. No, no, I get it. I just.

Kim Gravel:

You're free that way.

Allisyn Lambes:

I'm very like you. Feel how you feel. That's fine.

Kim Gravel:

That's right.

Allisyn Lambes:

But, yes. When you. When you. Let me say this. When you make poor choices.

Kim Gravel:

Okay.

Allisyn Lambes:

For yourself, and typically that comes from a place of not feeling worthy.

Kim Gravel:

Yeah.

Allisyn Lambes:

It becomes easy to forgive everybody else, but not you, because.

Kim Gravel:

Why do you think that is?

Allisyn Lambes:

Because you've lived it. You've been through it. Oh, God, I sound like mother.

Kim Gravel:

Okay, well, I mean, lived it. I've lived it. Yeah.

Allisyn Lambes:

But I've been through it.

Kim Gravel:

It's truth.

Allisyn Lambes:

It'S my story.

Kim Gravel:

Right.

Allisyn Lambes:

You know? Right. Right. And it's easy for people to say to you, oh, just forgive yourself. You need to let it go.

Allisyn Lambes:

You know, that is much easier said than done. And I have to call. You know, I don't. I have to call on God. I don't even. People like to say higher power. No, I have to call on God to really help me with that, because it is easy for me to forgive you or anybody in my life, but it's hard to forgive myself.

Kim Gravel:

But that. That was the whole point of it, was this reconciliation aspect of forgiveness that really stopped me dead in my tracks because I just know you haven't done that for yourself.

Allisyn Lambes:

I haven't. I don't know how.

Kim Gravel:

What do you mean?

Allisyn Lambes:

I mean, people. I can let go and let God. Okay, Kim, I can do all that. Like, I can go to the altar. I can put it at the feet of Jesus. I can do all the things.

Allisyn Lambes:

I'm just saying. No, but. No, because you do. I do that. I've done that. But I think when. I mean, as a personal person, feeling like I have made so many mistakes.

Allisyn Lambes:

Like, I only see it through my lens, though, you know? Like, I'm sure there's been people out there that have made way worse mistakes than I've made over my lifetime. Right. Okay. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, but, but, but it's my mistakes, so they're most profound to me. Like, so it's hard for me to reconcile them. Even though I'm not the same person. I don't. I don't know.

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't know why. And maybe that's therapy. Maybe that's something. I don't know. I don't know how to get that out.

Allisyn Lambes:

Cuz shame and guilt set in after you don't forgive. Shame and guilt become an issue when you don't forgive yourself. And I can say that I don't feel that way anymore, but I do. I do. And it's very apparent. I'll tell you something that happened.

Kim Gravel:

Okay. Is it this week? Yeah.

Allisyn Lambes:

On my birthday.

Kim Gravel:

Okay.

Allisyn Lambes:

In my past life. I call it my past life, my ex husband made my birthdays terrible.

Kim Gravel:

Okay. Terrible.

Allisyn Lambes:

Right. And so my birthdays are all already a sensitive trigger. Trigger. And my grown son came to dinner on the night of my birthday, and he treated me exactly how his dad treated me on my birthday.

Kim Gravel:

Okay, well. And he saw that as well, growing up. So that's.

Allisyn Lambes:

We were like. That's a whole different podcast.

Kim Gravel:

But I mean, just like, not defending him. I'm just saying.

Allisyn Lambes:

No, no, no, no. We're fine now.

Kim Gravel:

I know. Oh, gosh. Y' all are such in a great place. And so is he. So it's fantastic.

Allisyn Lambes:

What? We're sitting at dinner and he started talking about what a terrible mother I am.

Kim Gravel:

Oh, God. Jesus.

Allisyn Lambes:

Was all I could in my spirit to not lose my. Right. Right. Excuse me. Not lose my crap.

Kim Gravel:

Say what you mean to say. You were triggered.

Allisyn Lambes:

I was triggered. So I just looked at him and said, get your fat ass up from my table and leave. Okay.

Kim Gravel:

All right.

Allisyn Lambes:

Because I won't sit here and listen, especially on my birthday, listen to anything you have to say. That's because. Here's the thing. I've moved on from it. Moving on is different from total forgiveness. Okay.

Kim Gravel:

That's what I'm saying. But that's what I'm saying. I don't think you have moved on from it. That's my point. That's why I wanted to have you on the show, because I feel like it's like. I mean, Zac, it's really weird that we just had Coach Karen say this, but this is. This is what I was. This is where.

Kim Gravel:

Because you have come so far in so much of blaming yourself for your past. You don't even blame others. You don't even blame your ex husband. You don't even blame your son. You don't even. You blame yourself. And she was just talking about how we just attach this perfectionism to ourselves, and we live in the gilded cage of, like, performance driven. And I'm performance driven, and you are performance driven.

Kim Gravel:

That's a whole nother podcast. It doesn't matter how we got to be how we are. It is where we are. Okay, yeah.

Allisyn Lambes:

That's a lot to just put in a package and say, but you have.

Kim Gravel:

Not forgiven yourself for the just normal life.

Allisyn Lambes:

It's called life.

Kim Gravel:

Yeah.

Allisyn Lambes:

Why can't I.

Kim Gravel:

Because.

Allisyn Lambes:

Can you answer that? I don't know.

Kim Gravel:

I'm not a therapist, but I've just. I'm just walking through my own journey, and I think it's because you have not come to a place of acceptance that I'm telling you, it just hit me.

Allisyn Lambes:

Place of acceptance of what helped me. I want to know what you're saying, because I would like to look at it from a different point of view so that I have a different way to feel about it instead of just having the same old way that I feel about it.

Kim Gravel:

Right. You haven't. You haven't accepted that it is what it was. It's not is what it is. It is what it was. And so we are bringing that past into the present, and then we are for forecasting the future based on not what's present, but what you've brought from the past. It is what it is. Is not the right phrase.

Kim Gravel:

That's not the right catchphrase. It is what it was, girl.

Allisyn Lambes:

Which was a hot mess sometimes.

Kim Gravel:

I know, but you have forgiven. You've forgiven Rick.

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, yeah. Like, it's easy. Why have you forgiven me? To forgive everybody.

Kim Gravel:

Why? Why?

Allisyn Lambes:

Because I know. I don't know, maybe I know deep down that I was made for more than that. That's it.

Kim Gravel:

Okay.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay.

Kim Gravel:

Okay. Now we talk.

Allisyn Lambes:

I mean, I know we're cooking with peanut oil. I know that God has designed a plan for my life of greatness. I know that everybody knows that. I know everybo. And I even know that about myself.

Kim Gravel:

So what is stopping you from getting there?

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't know.

Kim Gravel:

We're living in the fullness because you're very successful.

Allisyn Lambes:

I shouldn't even have gotten triggered on my birthday. That should have been a non existent that whole conversation.

Kim Gravel:

Why were you triggered?

Allisyn Lambes:

Because it brings up all of those feelings. Those feelings obviously are still there deep down inside somewhere.

Kim Gravel:

Why?

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't know. Because I've come so far.

Kim Gravel:

But why do you think that, Allisyn? You don't like it when people celebrate you. You don't like it when you're in the spotlight. You don't really feel like you belong there. You really don't. You think on the surface you do.

Allisyn Lambes:

Right? I would agree with that.

Kim Gravel:

You think I'm gonna do. I'm gonna perform because I deserve to be here. And you just. The fact is you just deserve to be there.

Allisyn Lambes:

You don't come up a little bit, sis. With age. I will tell you.

Kim Gravel:

I know it does.

Allisyn Lambes:

Like I'm 48 and I this past weekend going to a national pageant when I was out.

Kim Gravel:

Yes.

Allisyn Lambes:

Things happen to put things into perspective.

Kim Gravel:

Yeah.

Allisyn Lambes:

So I don't have all the perspective in the world and never claim to happen.

Kim Gravel:

I don't either. You know, that's true.

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't have all. None of us do. We're all working, we're all living and growing and the whole thing changing and all that thing. But. But I do every now and then get a glimpse of your greatness. Finding great. My greatness? No, no, I'm being for real when I say that too. Like it takes certain situations for me to be able to see that.

Kim Gravel:

You see, you catch glimpses of the real you.

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't know if that's why I'd say the real me, because I believe that I'm a lot of things.

Kim Gravel:

No, but you know what I mean.

Allisyn Lambes:

Just the thing that.

Kim Gravel:

Just the fact that you just said I'm a lot of things. Tell me that's not the real you.

Allisyn Lambes:

But I am a lot of things. Like I'm a mom, I'm a sister, I'm a.

Kim Gravel:

This is what you do. That's not.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay, okay, okay. Well, Now, I agree with that. Okay.

Kim Gravel:

We were talking in the podcast before. You need to go back and listen to it. We're talking about how getting triggered, and that's a sign that you have not forgiven either other people or yourself in nine times out of 10. It's probably more ourselves that we have a hard time forgiving, because even people who hold it against other people.

Allisyn Lambes:

I know. I see a lot of that, though.

Kim Gravel:

I know. But that's just deflection of what. You're part of it. And that's not your problem.

Allisyn Lambes:

Right.

Kim Gravel:

That's not where. When I was saying, I want Allisyn to come on and tell her story. Because you blame yourself for a lot of the mistakes that's happened, not only in your life, but other people's lives, too. And not only do you blame yourself, you're reminded of that blame. And it just happened this past week. So Brooke's saying that to you. A, he is a. Your son.

Kim Gravel:

Son. I mean, if your kids are telling.

Allisyn Lambes:

You I gave birth to him.

Kim Gravel:

Right. If your kids are not telling you they hate you at this age, My.

Allisyn Lambes:

Pastor says, you ain't doing something like that. If they don't slam the door and you have to take it off the hinges and they scream they hate you, then you are not doing your job. That's what he's saying.

Kim Gravel:

I've just been told recently I'm the worst mother ever.

Allisyn Lambes:

He told me that.

Kim Gravel:

I'm like, you're right. So once you pack your racks, you know, go pack your racks and go let somebody else.

Allisyn Lambes:

Well, that's what happened with Brooks. It was like, you know what?

Kim Gravel:

We're not doing this.

Allisyn Lambes:

But usually I would engage. Okay, let's.

Kim Gravel:

Yes.

Allisyn Lambes:

Let's get to where I would usually go. Usually I would say, let me tell you something. You're acting like your daddy. And your daddy is triggered to the point of just. Oh, God. Saying mean stuff. Because that's where I go. I get very vicious, mean.

Kim Gravel:

I wouldn't know anything about that, including myself. I'm not vicious. We are evil.

Allisyn Lambes:

Like, people need to know sometimes. We can be vicious.

Kim Gravel:

Yes, we can.

Allisyn Lambes:

To our. Especially our children. If they act.

Kim Gravel:

Our children and our family members sad.

Allisyn Lambes:

Our group chat sometimes.

Kim Gravel:

Well, it's because we can't.

Allisyn Lambes:

But we're real. Yeah, we're real. We keep it real. Yeah. I would have acted different in poor Sean, you know, my husband now, of 10 years. He's looking at me like I'm about to grab him. And I'm like, don't do that. We're not going to do all that.

Allisyn Lambes:

We're not having the popo come out night. Those are olden days. We don't do that anymore.

Kim Gravel:

We're more decorah. We have more decor.

Allisyn Lambes:

We're better these days. No, but he, you know, and he did. And the next day, he didn't sleep all night. Yeah, I blocked him that night.

Kim Gravel:

I blocked his number from my phone.

Allisyn Lambes:

That's terrible, y'. All. Now that's my 28 year old girl. But wait a minute.

Kim Gravel:

Doesn't it sometimes feel good?

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, it felt good.

Kim Gravel:

Like I have blocked Travis.

Allisyn Lambes:

Like he didn't know I blocked him. Brooks didn't either. I tried to text you last night, but she never text back. I'm like, honey, I didn't get your text. I said I liked you. But there's something about that that makes it feel better. Well, we're close in age. I'm 48.

Allisyn Lambes:

He's 28. So I did have. I did get pregnant. I was 19. Yeah. And let me say this now, I will say this because people would say. People nowadays might say that was a mistake. Okay.

Allisyn Lambes:

And though what I did to have a baby, I would not have. I do not want that for other people. I will say that it is the best thing that ever happened to me. Because I'll be honest, being a mom did bring some structure to my life that I so desperately.

Kim Gravel:

Have you forgiven yourself for getting pregnant?

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, yeah. That was the best thing ever happened to me.

Kim Gravel:

Have you One of the best self for the tumultual household?

Allisyn Lambes:

No. That is where. And look, in every single way, it is just much my fault that it is everybody else's.

Kim Gravel:

It's not, though. It's not fault. We're not talking.

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't. I mean, I don't want to talk fault.

Kim Gravel:

I want to talk forgiveness.

Allisyn Lambes:

It is hard to forgive myself for some things I put my child through. I will say that first.

Kim Gravel:

The first step. The first step. When I had this podcast last week, the first step was reconcile. And what I was meaning by reconcile, it doesn't mean to reconnect. It means to accept. That's what. That's where I thought Allisyn needs this.

Allisyn Lambes:

Reconciling is acceptance.

Kim Gravel:

It's not making it all right. It's not making it perfect. It's not even making it whole. It's accepting. Accepting it is what it was. Okay?

Allisyn Lambes:

That's easy to say.

Kim Gravel:

It is what it was.

Allisyn Lambes:

So you recognize, well, what it was sucked. I mean, if we're just gonna. If we're keeping it 100 it sucked. It sucked for me. It sucked for my child. It probably sucked for my ex husband. It sucked.

Kim Gravel:

Past tense.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah, you're right. Cause it doesn't suck. Now do you understand what I'm saying?

Kim Gravel:

It is what it is. It is what it is. It's bringing that right back into the, to the present. It is what it was. And I accept it. I accept it. I accept my part in it. I accept what I did to deserve to do it.

Kim Gravel:

I accept all the consequences from it.

Allisyn Lambes:

I accept that.

Kim Gravel:

And God has forgiven me. And it's time for you to accept it and forgive yourself. Not a process. It's part of the process. It's step one. Step two is cleanse. Got to let it go. You got to cleanse that bad boy.

Kim Gravel:

And number three is freedom. There's freedom in that. And the freedom comes when this is where I know that number one is a hang up. Because you do step two and step three, especially step three. So well, that, that if you got step one and you really accepted your past and your part in your past and you forgive yourself for it, the freedom is even going to be freer because you have a freedom like none other. Like it is your superpower. It is what that connection that you have with people and letting people. Accepting people for exactly who they are, right where they are.

Kim Gravel:

If you had not gone through what you've been through, you couldn't do that. And so when you learn to forgive yourself and accept yourself for what you have done, the good, bad and the ugly, and you move on, the, the step three, in this freedom phase, you're going to be able to just grant people freedom.

Kim Gravel:

Like times 50.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah. Okay.

Kim Gravel:

And that's why that, I mean, after we went to Turks and Caicos and I really, we did our little work that we did and you're the entertainer.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah.

Kim Gravel:

Right. And so we got. And I was, I was watching you and I was watching you interact and I thought, oh, that's, that's why she's. That's why you, you overcompensate.

Allisyn Lambes:

I could feel that too. Oh my God. I can feel that to a core.

Kim Gravel:

And it's because you haven't accepted what you. You've not forgiven yourself and accepted it. You haven't. That's why you overcompensate. And I'm not even a counselor. I'm a total idiot.

Allisyn Lambes:

No, you're not. You know what I mean?

Kim Gravel:

Like, I, I can't give you like debts. I just, I just observed it. I thought, oh, that. Okay. And why you overcompensate. Makes sense. The way you overcompensate is because you are an entertainer for those people. Like Amy.

Kim Gravel:

Oh, God. Now I'm gonna throw her under the bus. We're not doing part three, by the way. I'm not getting. It won't be this real.

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, gosh, no.

Kim Gravel:

The reason Av over.

Allisyn Lambes:

Over.

Kim Gravel:

Organizes, okay, in her giftings, you know, that that's what.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah.

Kim Gravel:

100 is because there's some things she hasn't let go and forgiven herself of. So she. She expects more of herself in that zone. That's what happens when we are deficient and we have not let ourselves off the hook and we have not forgiven ourselves. We overcompensate in other areas. And nine times out of ten is our strengths because Lord knows we don't want to lean into those weaknesses. And Beau does that. You know, Beau is.

Kim Gravel:

He's very justice.

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh.

Kim Gravel:

And he's very discerning. So when he has not forgiven his son, and I thought he did something that I said, oh, you must be doing something you shouldn't be doing. So it says, something ain't right here. He's like, how do you know? I said, because you're. You're over judging. You're overdoing that towards your brother. So I know that tells me you're guilty of something he said. How do you know? And I'm like, because I, I.

Kim Gravel:

That's how I do. If I get over angry about something and over passionate about something, it's because I've let myself down and I don't forgive myself for something I've done. Does that make sense? I hope this is making sense to someone.

Allisyn Lambes:

It is. And I. It. And I do believe it is a process. I will just go back to that because I can't just wake up overnight feeling that way. You know what I mean?

Kim Gravel:

I don't think it has to be, though.

Allisyn Lambes:

That's my whole point.

Kim Gravel:

I think it's like we torture ourselves because we are addicted to the struggle. It serves us somehow.

Allisyn Lambes:

How?

Kim Gravel:

I don't know. It's. It's comfortable. What you and Brooks did the other night at your house, that's very comfortable. You've been doing that a long time.

Allisyn Lambes:

But I don't like it.

Kim Gravel:

I know, but it doesn't matter. We do a lot of things that we're. That's why people drink.

Allisyn Lambes:

That's why people do drugs.

Kim Gravel:

It's a great. It's a constant to go back to. So you have to rewire your constant.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah.

Kim Gravel:

And it's not so much what we stop doing, it's what we start doing that makes the difference. And I'm only speaking from personal experience here, so when I stopped popping off and getting angry about something or someone that's happened, I don't get angry now. I just replace it with something that works and I'm gonna say this.

Allisyn Lambes:

That's interesting.

Kim Gravel:

I can't believe I'm saying this. You and I are the way we are. Which are odd birds, pretty much. No, I think everybody feels like us. We just have a loud voice and a loud mouth to talk about it. Okay.

Allisyn Lambes:

I think a lot of people.

Kim Gravel:

I don't think we're that special in what we're feeling.

Allisyn Lambes:

We're odd. I was gonna say not special, but.

Kim Gravel:

We'Re odd in the fact that we overshare. We are.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay, so we overshares. We're oversharers. Everybody.

Kim Gravel:

Repeaters. And so, like, I think what happens is, is that we. Again, there's a freedom in that. But what if our parents have high standards, are. Our parents have high expectations, which are not a bad thing. Which is. Which are not a bad thing, but.

Allisyn Lambes:

They also package that not that way. So they. So they make it feel normal.

Kim Gravel:

What do you mean?

Allisyn Lambes:

Like, they. That feels normal to me. Their standards always growing up were high.

Allisyn Lambes:

Very, very, very higher than yours. And I will tell you to wear. Not to judge, not to say, oh.

Kim Gravel:

God, there's my forgiveness coming out. That was very.

Allisyn Lambes:

You need to ask for grace and mercy. Mercy on that one. And Judge Judy. Judge Judy there.

Zac Miller:

Or judge that you can. We could just. I could be a judge.

Allisyn Lambes:

Like nobody else needs to do that. But you can do that. You're my sister. It's different. We can do that with each other. Mom and dad, huh? Do we really want to go here?

Kim Gravel:

Careful.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay. Mom and dad always had very high standards.

Kim Gravel:

Yes. Okay.

Allisyn Lambes:

So I do believe some of me not being able to forgive myself.

Kim Gravel:

Yes.

Allisyn Lambes:

Has to do with. I've never thought my parents saw me in a way. Yes. That was, you know, the next successful gal in our family. You know what I'm saying? I never thought. They do. Yeah. But that's not what they say.

Allisyn Lambes:

What they say and how they do it is different than most families. They're like. No, but I think the way that they present.

Kim Gravel:

I think some of the poor decisions that we've both made. And now we're talking about you. So we're here. We're talking about you.

Allisyn Lambes:

Right. Yeah. Right, Right.

Kim Gravel:

I think, again, I don't Think they thought different or bad or worse of you? I think you felt bad about what you thought they thought about you.

Allisyn Lambes:

100%. Okay, 100%.

Kim Gravel:

What did I just say?

Allisyn Lambes:

Because I don't even know. No, but. No, it made sense to me. And can I tell you this now I see it that they don't. They never did really feel that you're still. But I'm still.

Kim Gravel:

But you're still the performing dancing monkey.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yep.

Kim Gravel:

Gotta stop it. You gotta reconcile that. You got to just. Really. Yeah, well, you gotta accept it.

Allisyn Lambes:

It's ingrained so much that I have to really break it. Do you get what I'm saying?

Kim Gravel:

What did I just say about how you break it?

Allisyn Lambes:

I mean, are you saying just make a decision and do that?

Kim Gravel:

No, you got to replace it.

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, replace it. That's right.

Allisyn Lambes:

We're now in the middle of replacing so much. Okay, like, I've been sober. I've been sober for 50 something days since September 7th.

Kim Gravel:

You have lost so much weight. You are looking sip of alcohol.

Allisyn Lambes:

And. And look, I mean, I mean. I mean, I'll even be training. I'm going to aa. Like, I never, never did that kind of stuff before. So I know that I'm working. I know I'm doing some internal work. Because even being a part of AA makes you do internal, correct?

Kim Gravel:

Yeah, but I mean, the fact that.

Allisyn Lambes:

You get in your car and go.

Kim Gravel:

There is the work.

Allisyn Lambes:

I don't see that that way. But those people, everybody at AA does. Yeah, they actually.

Allisyn Lambes:

They're like, so you coming here is you.

Kim Gravel:

But you going in there. And I'm thinking, what is it doing?

Kim Gravel:

It's the first step. It is reconciling.

Allisyn Lambes:

It is accepting. It's accepting. Can I tell you something? I've been on the first step for 60 something days.

Kim Gravel:

Some people have been on the first step.

Allisyn Lambes:

Why am I never on the first step? I was talking to somebody the other day about this. They're like, because, Allisyn, there's no time limit on how you do that. There's no but.

Kim Gravel:

Okay, okay, okay. That's what I'm trying to say, everybody. And I said this to the boys the other day. I said this to the boys. I said, if. Because. Because, you know, and I can only do it through the. My children.

Kim Gravel:

My children, My children. And, you know, Beau's in college. I swear, he's like, mom, please quit talking about me. I'm like, but it's such a great. It's such a great heart. That's because he's out there. He's playing college tennis and he won his first college tennis match, six singles.

Kim Gravel:

Okay, okay. So anyway, so I mean, there's only two freshmen playing and he's one. Anyway, so what I'm trying to say to you is, is that.

Kim Gravel:

I said, he goes, why do you keep saying the same things over and over to me? I said, because I know you're going to get it. And when you get it, you're gonna get. Get it good. I said, because, I said. He said, so what do you. What if I don't get it? I said, I don't worry about you not getting it. You're gonna get it.

Allisyn Lambes:

You feel that way about me.

Kim Gravel:

That's exactly right.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay.

Kim Gravel:

I don't worry about Beau not getting it. And when it does, the light switch is going. It's gonna happen overnight. But when we turn the light switch on, we have something we have that we have control over. We think, we think, we think God has control and his timing is perfect and it is. And you do things when you're ready and all that, but you get ready when you decide to get ready.

Allisyn Lambes:

That's the God honest truth.

Kim Gravel:

So you have control over that. So if the light switch can flip on six years from now, three months from now, it can flip on two hours from now, tomorrow.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah, whenever. Yeah.

Kim Gravel:

And so. And that I do know, because I've experienced it. I've experienced the struggle bus. And then all of a sudden you're just like, I'm sick of this stupid struggle bus. I am not arguing with Brooks.

Kim Gravel:

Tonight, on my birthday, he's just going to go ahead and go on home. And when you figure it out, call me. And it's like, you don't get in the weeds with people. You don't get in their mess. You don't get in their chaos. You know what I'm dealing with from a business perspective? I was on the wheel. It was eating me alive. It was literally kill, killing me.

Kim Gravel:

And I was having a lot of bitterness and unforgiveness. And I thought, oh, gosh, what is my part in it? Oh, my part? Is it that I just haven't accepted it? This is not going to work.

Kim Gravel:

This is not going to work. And I've accepted it. And there's freedom in that. And it's a shame. And it's so successful and it could be a game changer a lot, A lot, a lot. But it just ain't going to work. And it's it's not working for me. I don't have happiness and peace about it.

Kim Gravel:

And so, like I'm saying to you, if you're triggered this way and you don't look at your past and have happiness and peace about it, you haven't forgiven yourself for it.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah, I can 100 agree with that. Yeah. But again, easier said than done. I mean, you know, I know, I know, I know. It's. You know, I've made a lot of choices to do things different in my life. Like, and I have really good willpower to do it.

Kim Gravel:

And I just want to say you are so.

Allisyn Lambes:

I can't do that.

Kim Gravel:

You are a good mom. You are a good daughter.

Allisyn Lambes:

I know that you regret, but do you? I mean, I know that to a degree.

Kim Gravel:

What's the last degree that you ain't getting about that? Well.

Allisyn Lambes:

And it just may be forgiveness for not being, you know, perfect.

Kim Gravel:

Come on, you got to hold my hand on that one, Beauo Beauo.

Allisyn Lambes:

Just not being perfect.

Kim Gravel:

You're not.

Allisyn Lambes:

And I'm not going to be.

Kim Gravel:

But that's the good.

Allisyn Lambes:

But I want to be. I want to be for everybody. I do. For my family, my boys.

Kim Gravel:

Part about you is your imperfectness. You would be boring. Think about the people that live everything to the T. Bless their hearts. They're boring.

Kim Gravel:

Allisyn, your past and your crap that you've gone through, whether it be your decision or not. And a lot of it was your crappy decisions.

Allisyn Lambes:

It was. It was.

Kim Gravel:

Makes you relatable to everybody else who.

Allisyn Lambes:

Has all of us inevitably made crappy decisions. Yeah.

Kim Gravel:

And you're not even a thinker, so.

Allisyn Lambes:

Get out of your head.

Kim Gravel:

I mean, you don't think a lot. You feel a lot.

Allisyn Lambes:

You beat yourself up, though. Like, I mean, we all do. Do you do that?

Kim Gravel:

God, girl.

Allisyn Lambes:

My internal dialogue, Zac, what is that? My internal dialogue. It says to me all the time, like, what you just said. I'm just. I'm not there yet. I'm just. Oh, you're so there. I just am not adding up yet. I'm just not to that where it equals 100.

Allisyn Lambes:

You will never get there because 8. 85. It's always 85. It was 50 for a long time.

Allisyn Lambes:

I know. And it just never has been, like, okay, I'm 100% game enough. Like, you should know that. As somebody who's also a believer, you know, I should know that. Nothing. Yeah, but that.

Kim Gravel:

I mean, I will be honest with you. I've been a faith filled person my whole life. I'm a Christian. I've gone to church, I've tied. I've done all the things. Okay, that still does not make you whole. No, it's performative.

Allisyn Lambes:

Right.

Kim Gravel:

I know so many believers that have. Have the faith.

Kim Gravel:

Everything depends on how they behave, how they perform. And y', all, we will never perform our way into being loved enough. That's why he sent Jesus so that he could go on and settle that. Jesus made it enough so you are enough. And I know that. Yeah, I know you know that. I know. But you've got to know it in your soul.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah, you're right.

Kim Gravel:

You've got to accept.

Allisyn Lambes:

You're right about that.

Kim Gravel:

You. You watching. You have to accept. I have to accept that we, in our humanness is what makes us good, is what make. That's the good stuff. The mistakes, the flaws. And how evil gets us tripped up is. He keeps us in the cycle of unforgiveness, of unreconciliation, of unfreedom.

Kim Gravel:

No freedom. He keeps us in a. He keeps us dirty. There's reconciliation, acceptance. There's cleansing, and then there's freedom. And he keeps us. He keeps us either not accepting. He keeps us dirty.

Kim Gravel:

You know, even people who've accepted their past, they might live in that place where it's just. I'm just too dirty to even do anything. So I just. I've accepted. This is where I'm at. I couldn't do more. I'm too dirty. Got too much of a past.

Allisyn Lambes:

I think a lot of people feel that way. But when. When you like. It'll never go away.

Kim Gravel:

It'll never go.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah, that feeling.

Kim Gravel:

But it's not. We don't ever want the past to go away. We just want it to be a beacon of light and hope that things will get better.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah. And you're right.

Kim Gravel:

That's right.

Allisyn Lambes:

Because they do get better.

Kim Gravel:

They get better.

Allisyn Lambes:

They get so much better. So much better.

Kim Gravel:

But I'm so glad you came today because I knew that you would be so open about this, and. And so many people do not have that superpower of transparency.

Allisyn Lambes:

A lot of people don't. I'm learning that the older I get.

Kim Gravel:

Yeah, but that's what makes you so fantastic, is that you'll be like, it is what it is what it is. But today I want you to say, it just is what it was, and I'm okay with that. But it ain't what it's gonna be.

Allisyn Lambes:

That's right. Now, I do believe that. And can you tell my almost 30 year old son, while we're at it, to just, you know, let's not open old wounds and pour salt in them.

Kim Gravel:

Well, I mean, he's dealing with his own unforgiveness. Myself. I know he blames his.

Allisyn Lambes:

So that's why grace.

Kim Gravel:

You have to have grace and grace and acceptance. And I've learned to just accept people. I'm trying to. To accept people in myself, right where I'm at. Like, I often think, why didn't I get this when I was in my 20s? And I could have. See, that, that's the. That's the flip. That's the flip out when you realize.

Allisyn Lambes:

You could have sooner when you realize I could have let all this go.

Kim Gravel:

So that's why I keep trying to.

Allisyn Lambes:

Tell Beau because it's a hold back. It holds you back from something.

Allisyn Lambes:

And I've talked about this a lot, actually, in the past year or so. You know, holding back and not letting things.

Kim Gravel:

That's why we hold back.

Allisyn Lambes:

Right. And I think a big part of that is this. Yes.

Kim Gravel:

You know, so that's why I told Zac, I said, we have to have her on. You've got to forgive yourself. You have to. You have to forgive others, but forgive yourself, you got to reconcile. You got to accept it is what it was. You have to really let it go. Cleanse that part of you that still hangs on, like, wash it away, and then step into the freedom of what is to come, because it is big. So before you go, I want to do something where we do it with every QVC host.

Kim Gravel:

Now, you're not a host, but you are a brand ambassador and one of the best. So I just want you to. We're just gonna. We're just gonna. I'm gonna give you something to sell, and you're gonna have to use all the words that are on the screen.

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, God.

Kim Gravel:

To sell it.

Allisyn Lambes:

Your words. Your words that you picked.

Kim Gravel:

No, these are actually Zac's words that he picked.

Allisyn Lambes:

My words.

Kim Gravel:

So the words. The words are luscious. Okay. Skanky, stanky, stinky.

Zac Miller:

Could be stanky.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay. Can we write them down?

Zac Miller:

Yeah, what's. No, I'll put them on the screen for you. I'll put them on the screen for you.

Allisyn Lambes:

Allisyn, here, here. She can't see the screen.

Kim Gravel:

No, no, I'm gonna.

Zac Miller:

No, I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do this. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Allisyn Lambes:

She can see.

Kim Gravel:

So the words are.

Zac Miller:

Pull the words.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay.

Kim Gravel:

So the words are luscious, beautiful, sensual, Fire, garish, stanky, cringe, insane, delectable, and funky. And you have to use all those words to sell.

Allisyn Lambes:

Not to get all Amy on you, but, like, if it's. To get all Amy on you. I'm not trying to get all Amy on you, but, like, if it's insanely, is that okay? That's fine.

Kim Gravel:

That's fine.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah.

Kim Gravel:

A derivative of the word okay. And you're gonna use it to sell. Gone in the slide, concealer.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay.

Kim Gravel:

Okay.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah.

Zac Miller:

You are timed, Allisyn. You have one minute to say as many of these words as you can. And you get points for saying the same word twice. So you want to say all of them at least once, and then extra credit if you use one more than once. Does that make sense?

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay. Well, good afternoon, everybody. I'm Allisyn with Bell by Kim Gravel, and love who you are. I want to take a minute to show you this luscious new product that we have that's just come in. It's made me feel sensual, a little garish, and it's really put a fire to my makeup, which I absolutely love. Now, it will have a beautiful, beautiful finish to it. You'll actually just put it right here under the eyes. You won't cringe, because, honey, it ain't stanky.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay? It's actually delectable. And it doesn't have a funky smell. It actually smells insanely good. So if you are wanting a fire. Okay, call it fire, concealer, honey. Gone in a swipe. Is it. It'll make you feel garish.

Allisyn Lambes:

It'll make you feel luscious. It'll make you feel beautiful, sensual.

Kim Gravel:

Never cringe or spanky.

Allisyn Lambes:

Oh, my gosh.

Zac Miller:

Five seconds left with five seconds left.

Allisyn Lambes:

Five seconds, and you used the words twice.

Kim Gravel:

You outperformed all the QVC hosts. Every single QVC host you just outperformed that's been on the show.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay, well, you said every word.

Zac Miller:

I think you got 18 or 19, depending on how good I am.

Kim Gravel:

I think it was 19 the way I could.

Allisyn Lambes:

Yeah, I can sell a piece of paper with four credits if you need me to. Like, that's my gift. I don't have a lot of gifts, but I got that one.

Allisyn Lambes:

And now I have beautiful teeth.

Kim Gravel:

And that is thanks to Kim. I need.

Allisyn Lambes:

I need the little Kim Gravel right there.

Zac Miller:

I have it. I think I have it.

Allisyn Lambes:

Okay, do it, do it, do it. And that is thanks to Kim Gravel.

Zac Miller:

Oh, I don't have it. I took it off my board.

Kim Gravel:

But I have this.

Allisyn Lambes:

I'm pretty sure it's never simple but always special.

Zac Miller:

I'm pretty sure my daughter requests this, like two years ago.

Kim Gravel:

Kim Gravel. I love that voice. No. Okay, Allisyn, thank you for coming on the show.

Allisyn Lambes:

I knew you were gonna come on.

Kim Gravel:

And I knew you were gonna be transparent about this. Sure. And guys, you've gotta watch Allisyn. She is on QVC when I'm not. She's on.

Allisyn Lambes:

I mean, we have fun.

Kim Gravel:

We have fun. And I wanna tell you, you're one of the bravest, strongest, most beautiful people.

Allisyn Lambes:

Thank you, sister.

Kim Gravel:

You're never skanky or cringy.

Allisyn Lambes:

Always beautiful, luscious and a little garish. What's garish mean, by the way? I was using it and didn't even know.

Kim Gravel:

It's not a good word.

Allisyn Lambes:

It's not a good one.

Kim Gravel:

Thank you so much. Thank you. We love you.

Allisyn Lambes:

On all of her social media TikTok, it's Allisyn Lambis. Marty Lambis. And listen.

Kim Gravel:

And you can find my 21 Bible life guide called Forgiven and Free by visiting BibleLifeGuides.com It's a 21 day experience. You've got to go download it. Allisyn also is on cameo. Just search Allisyn Lambas and she'll record a message just for you. She's also on Instagram @alisonhardylambis. And if you want to see more of us, then watch me and her on qvc. And also you can watch us on Kim of Queens, which is streaming for free on QVC+.

Zac Miller:

Ad free. Ad free. And with behind the scenes, QVC+.

Kim Gravel:

Oh yeah, we have behind the scenes behind the Queens. Listen, unless your hearts were everywhere, just figure it out. We love you so much.

Zac Miller:

Bye, everybody.

Kim Gravel:

Zac Miller is the Executive Producer of the Kim Gravel Show. His production company is Uncommon Audio. Our Producer is Kathleen Grant, the Brunette Exec. Production help from Emily Bredin and Sara Noto. Our cover art is designed by Sanaz Huber at Memarian Creative. Our show is edited by Mike Kligerman. Our guest intros are performed by Roxy Reese. Our guest booking is done by Central Talent Booking. Our ads are furnished by True Native Media. And y'all, I want to give a big huge thank you to the entire team at QVC+ and a special thank you to our audience for making this community so strong. If you are still listening then you must have liked a few episodes along the way. So tell somebody about it. Tell somebody about this show and join our mailing list at kimgravelshow.com. I cannot do this show without you and so I thank you from the bottom of my heart for listening. I hope you gain a little bit of encouragement, light and love love from watching and listening to The Kim Gravel Show. I love you all so much. Till next time. Bye.